Bangy Bang Bang Bang!
by TheSeverusSnapeFanClub
Summary: This is about when Sirius Black and Severus Snape try to have a once and for all faceoff- it doesn't quite work out!Note:The Klingon and Breen are alien people from star trek.  Bangy bang bang bang!
1. BOOM, LOOM, and ZOOM!

The Totally Awesome Faceoff Between Sirius Black and Snape

By Anita Skeeter

Sirius stepped towards the Great Hall. He remembered the stench of pumpkin juice, well, as Remus would say, aroma. And then he saw Snape. Snape started to think. One of the thoughts growing in his mind flowed carefully out of his wand… _Expelliarmus!_ "Ouch," said Sirius. "I thought we were going to have more of a heart-to-heart… or did you leave yours on a dusty old shelf somewhere?" "Why are we making this so intense, even? This is just a totally intense faceoff between secondary school enemies." "Ah, Sevvy, no idea you had a sense of humor." BOOM. Sirius laughed. Snape cried, "GRED AND FORGE WEASEL! TO MY OFFICE NO…" _Silencio!_ Went Sirius' wand. "I do like those Weasley twins, remind me a bit of me." "So let's duel," intoned Snape, in his considerably quieter, silky voice. ZOOM. "Hey, who's there?" wondered Sirius. Then, "Ha, ha, ha. Sev, you are starting to look kind of… let's just say I now know why you never smile." For Snape's teeth had begun to grow. "This is so much like that spell Draco didn't use on that horrid Miss Granger!" observed Snape. "What now?" said Sirius. _!_ Was, what now. Why was Sirius inflating? Meanwhile, Snape's fangs had started to look a bit pointier and were steadily dripping tomato juice. Sirius was beginning to seem as if he was a hot air balloon. "Oh dear," they said, then "Jinx!" "What happens when you're a wizard and say jinks?" "JINX." Insisted Severus. "Then the magical monster from the great unknown comes and does that." "What?" "That." "Whatev, Sevvy." "Well then!" The two frenemies (not) waited. And they waited. "LOOM!" cried Sirius, with a faint Green Mountain twang. Snape started, then rolled his eyes. Probably just those stinking schoolkids. Just because something big and pink was looming over them didn't mean that Itq was going to happen. No, Itq was much too dangerous. Just to be safe, Snape tried to magic Snape out cold and send him to Mexico. In response, Sirius punched Snape out cold and sent him to the midst of the meeting Dumbly-door was having in Mexico. Haha, Sev, he thought. Can't win 'em all. But he hadn't had the last laugh. 'Cuz then he found out that the Big Pink Thing, his new BFFL because it had frightened Snape was not to be. It was actually a giant ministry warship like in Star Trek, and the Auror-Klingons started a fusillade of shots. Bangbangbangbangbang! So Sirius went to Hogsmeade and listened to some random muggle's recording of Shakira. And all was at peace, as the faint bangbangbang of ministry shots were heard- evidently the real Klingons were trying to sue the ministry for impersonation, but the ministry just wanted to bangbangbang their brand-new muggle guns, but anyway that's another story.


	2. Bangy Bang Bang Bang

Bang! Bangbangbangabang! Went Cornelius Fudge's bb gun. He sighed in contentment, telling Kingsley to reload his gun now. These muggles had really got the right idea! Inside of their ministry warship, where they were fighting the Klingons, he felt a strange sense of excitement. Although it does not seem the ideal pastime, going, bangbangbangbangbang on a muggle gun was really quite satisfying. And now they had somebody to fight instead of going bangbangbang at Sirius Black! However much the prime minister wanted to get Sirius, and get him good, at last there was a proper enemy. They saw the Klingon's red starship approaching, and Kingsley thought that the Klingons should have bought a pink one like they had, because it was about three times cheaper. Cornelius kept going bangbangbang. Tonks and Umbridge started to load more guns. After the Klingons arrived, it would be every woman for her own bangs. The Klingons cried, "We come in pieces! Take us to your maniacal minister!" Cornelius did not seem very bright, but he readily realized that the Klingons were about to sue them, pink warship and all, for impersonation. "Keep bangybangbanging!" screeched the minister. They advanced towards the huge red fleet. Attempting to confuse the aliens, they yelled, "Go away! We are hamless Breen!" One of the Klingons, who were all quite due for another eye checkup hollered, "Harmless my foot! What about Ceti Alpha? Huh? Huh? Or the Ferengi Alliance?" "Ooh, that one was vicious", remarked another Klingon who had come to stand by the first one. Dolores Umbridge opened the trunk of her car, which she had camouflaged on board since everything was pink, and grabbed- her evil twin! Dorothy Umbridge. Dorothy grabbed a gun and started bangy bang banging. Then Tonks leaned over and said to her, "Wotcher Harry. My, isn't this a confusing fanfic?"

Dorothy replied, "Yes, it is. Did I mention my name's actually Dorothy?"

Tonks pleasantly inserted, "Oh, no, I knew that. I just like saying, 'Wotcher, Harry'. By the way, what do you do for work? You can't have a job at the ministry, you're too pleasant to talk to."

"You're rather nice yourself. Anyway, I used to do some undercover for a writer, L Frank Baum? I was the only one who knew how to get to Oz."

"Oy! Keep bangy bang banging! Or else I'll lower you to minimum wage!" shouted Cornelius and Dolores at the same time. The two women shut up and kept bangy bang banging. They did not like the sound of minimum wage. Even though Dorothy didn't work for Fudge, she worked for Treacle and L Frank Baum, and she thought Dolores might have a word with them. As the Klingons advanced, they cried, "We're going to sue you for impersonation!"

"But we don't want to be sued!" bawled Kingsley. Tonks rolled her eyes.

"Nobody's going to be sued if we can just work this out. Do you really not know the meaning of peaceful chat?"

Cornelius and Kingsley stopped bangy bang banging. The Klingons stopped advancing. Dorothy got back into her sister's car. And all was silent for a moment, until one Klingon said, "Did she just say… p… p….?"

Another Klingon remarked, "Yes, she did."

Then all the other characters, in both warships, screeched in a moment of perfect unison, "GET HER!"

And all was not quiet to the west of far east.


End file.
